What exactly is Khan Noonien Singh doing in Hustler’s new Star Trek porn movie? And what role does Sasha Grey play? We talked to screenwriter Roger Krypton.

It sounds as though This Ain’t Star Trek XXX will follow the storyline of “Space Seed,” the classic episode which introduced Ricardo Montalban’s Khan. At least somewhat. (Since there have already been porno recreations of “Charley X,” “The Man Trap” and “Where No Man Has Gone Before,” this isn’t quite so surprising.)

The Enterprise finds a ship that’s been floating in space for 200 years, and on board is Khan, in suspended animation. But with him are two sexy alien women — for obvious reasons. And judging from the photo up top, Lieutenant Marla McGivers plays a big role in the story as well, as the woman whom Khan tries to seduce. Khan, coming from an earlier time, is more barbaric, more macho and more “bare-chested” than the civilized Kirk, and he decides to try and take over the Enterprise.

And this is where the story diverges from “Space Seed” considerably.

According to Krypton, “Khan’s method of trying to take over the ship leads to the crewmembers having to engage in sexual situations against their will.” He wouldn’t go into details about this, but check out this work-safe clip of something weird happening to Kirk’s eyes:

Perhaps as a result of Khan’s machinations, Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy is forced to have sex with Nurse Christine Chapel, or they’ll both die. “They have a reason where they pretty much have to have sex, it’s a life or death situation,” explains Krypton. (Sadly, Spock doesn’t hook up with Chapel, despite all of the longing glances she gave him throughout the series.) And the film climaxes (so to speak) with a threesome on the Bridge of the Enterprise, between Kirk, Spock and Uhura. Take that, “Plato’s Stepchildren!”

Krypton, obviously a huge Trek nerd, insists that even though Hustler’s porn spoof is over the top and silly, it respects the original show, and tries to convey how these characters would really act in this situation. After all, the original show was quite campy at times, so it’s not that much of a leap. But the movie goes to some lengths to be true to the characters and their history, says Krypton.

There are no green women in the movie, because “putting someone in full body paint is a nightmare in a adult porn video,” says Krypton. It’s almost impossible to avoid having the body paint rub off on the other actor during a sex scene, and there are certain body parts that people might not want to paint green. Hustler did have a green woman in its Munsters porno spoof, and they solved the problem of paint rubbing off on the costar by color-correcting the image afterwards. (The color-correction gave the scene a cartoony look, which worked better for the Munsters than for Star Trek.)

But as we mentioned, there will be two alien babes. One, played by Jenna Hayes, is human-looking apart from her slinky Barbarella-esque outfit. The other is a Vulcan, played by Steven Soderbergh actress Sasha Grey. Grey’s character is struck with a “rare form” of Pon Farr, the Vulcan mating drive, and has to have sex with Captain Kirk in the Transporter Room — she just has to. And for Kirk, this is an opportunity to work out his issues with Vulcans after years of being frustrated with Mr. Spock. He can finally have sex with a Vulcan, but he finds that his frustrations with Vulcan logic persist even during their hookup.

Oh, and Mr. Spock doesn’t have green sperm in this film, unlike in some of the other porn films.

But the answer to the question you’re most anxiously asking — does Kirk look up and scream “Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!” during this film — is yes. He does. And Khan also yells “Kiiiiiiiiirk!” back. By the way, Evan Stone, who plays Kirk, doesn’t consciously do a William Shatner impression. But Stone, according to Krypton, already sounds like Shatner most of the time. He has a “cadence and a dramatic flair” that are quite Shatner-esque. He may ramp it up a bit for this film, but he doesn’t need much to seem Shatnerian.

Krypton is very proud of the high production values in this Trek spoof, which he says stand “head and shoulders” above what’s been done before. (You can see for yourself, with the pics and clip above.) Hustler spent a lot of money on the sets and costumes, trying to make it look as cool as possible, as well as “colorful and fun.” Find out more at Hustler World.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians

Kim Kardashian is taking legal action against Hustler Entertainment for its porn parody Keeping it up for the KardASSians. The XXX spoof is a parody of the Kardashian family’s television reality show and shows the Kardashian family in all sorts of compromising positions.

The whole family appears in the porn parody version and Hustler has done a good job casting adult entertainment stars that resemble the actual Kardashians. Both the show’s graphics and theme music are also similar. There are reports that E! is also considering legal action because the “whistly theme song” in the porno sounds awfully similar to the one in the show.

Kim Kardashian previously took legal action against the distributors of her leaked sex tape, titled Kim Kardashian Superstar, in 2007.

Keeping It Up for the KardASSians

Wonderful individual customer service, each transaction is done by hand

You all heard about the world situation, those are HARD times. But a Bank in China is willing to go the extra miles to make sure you give them ALL you got. They will give you a hand to help you get some relieved out of all your HARD moments and they will even PAY you for the trouble. They offer wonderful individual customer service, making sure each transaction is done by hand not with a computer. They want to make sure you will be Cumming again and again.

This is how it works: first you need to go for a health check, then 4 days prior your visit to the “free-hand-job-then-get-paid-paradise” you must abstain from sex and masturbation. You can go 4-5 times a month, and each time you will get maximum 3 hand jobs. You will also get paid RMB200 ( US$30 ) at the end of each session for your kindness.

Before you ask, I don’t know if it’s possible to make mouth deposits.

They will give you a hand, making sure they get all you've got

Address for whoever wants to give it a go: No 145 Shan Dong Zhong Lu, Ren Ji Hospital, Building 1, 7th FL, near Fu Zhou Lu, Shanghai, China.

It was only a matter before someone took Hollywood’s hottest technology, 3D, and brought it to the Valley. Today we find out that Tommy Gunn, AVN’s Male Performer of the Year in 2007 is releasing Cummin’ At You! 3D.

Gunn utilized the same technology that was seen in films like Beowulf, Journey to the Center of the Earth and most recently My Bloody Valentine 3D to bring us three dimensional porn. Because documenting the sexual escapades of pizza delivery guys, pool boys and vice presidential candidates should not be constrained to two dimensions.

And they’re not stopping at 3D, our hero Mr. Gunn, took the latest Hi-Def 3D film production technology and combined it with a unique interactive experience to create “Cummin’ at You 3D,” the first ever “adult interactive DVD shot in stereoscopic 3D.” Watching the movie you can switch the point of view, or, as they say, “choose your own adventure”. So you can watch from the point of view of Sindee Jennings as Tommy Gunn gets about his work (he does 260 scenes a year apparently), or vice versa, in a tech twist, “choose a third person POV with ADVENTURE RANDOMIZER for a completely unique & random experience every time”.

To some, adding another item, 3D glasses, to your already robust porn watching checklist may not sound like the best idea. If you find yourself in that camp, fear not. The film’s press release points out:

“Recent developments in consumer electronics will allow the next generation of TVs to have three-dimensional technology built into them so that the viewer does not have to ruin their personal style by wearing unattractive cardboard glasses. The DVD will be encoded to work with these high-end 3D home theatre systems, but it will also work with a standard TV, projection, LCD or Plasma screens with the included 3D glasses.”

It’s also claimed that the movie has been produced to work with the next generation of TVs that are 3D-enabled, so the ‘ThrustVision’ (hmm, should I trademark that?) is future proofed! Allegedly.

The DVD’s trailer, which is not at all safe for work (unless your job involves watching 3D porn), can be viewed here. To enjoy the trailer’s 3Dness, though, you’ll need to find yourself a pair of those blue/amber 3D glasses. Thanks to the Monsters vs. Aliens 3D trailer that air during Super Bowl, 125 million pairs of 3D glasses are being distributed through grocery, drug, and discount stores in anticipation. The irony, DreamWorks Animation indirectly has a hand in taking porn 3D.

In other 3D porn-related news, Hong Kong filmaker Stephen Shiu announced on Sunday that he would be making “the world’s first pornographic movie in 3D,” a $4 million flick titled “3D Sex and Zen.” But Shiu doesn’t even plan on shooting the film until April and has admitted that it’s been hard to find a male lead “who is willing to undress in front of the camera.” Shiu says, “It’s a lot more difficult to find an actor than an actress for this kind of movie.”

Gunn’s DVD, however, was scheduled to hit shelves (shelves that are somewhere out of the reach of children, behind swinging saloon doors) sometime in March but is looking more like April. Seems like the Hong Kong filmmaker spoke too soon on that whole, “first 3D porn” thing. USA: first to put a man on the moon, first to bring porn to 3D. USA! USA! USA!

One last thing, the tagline of the movie -” Remember, everything is bigger in 3D, especially when it’s “Cummin’ At You!”. Nice.

This is a pedophile dream toy.

This is the staff meeting about the Oozinator, yes please.